Words are powerful. I hear this all the time, but it doesn’t become any less significant to me when I do. In fact, I believe this so deeply that I often shy away from using words when I probably should.
I love words so much. I can use them to harm or to heal, to deceive or enlighten, to empower or tear down. I can use them to fill empty space, to bring good news, or to make noise. The problem is that sometimes I fear whether or not the words I use are accomplishing the purpose I desire for them.
All of this being the reason that I have not written on this blog for months. You see, there is so much on my mind, weighing on my heart, consuming my spirit – and fear holds me back from sharing because I don’t want to be irrelevant, I don’t want to be looked down upon, misunderstood, or rejected.
Mass shootings, political campaigns, celebrity lifestyles, the American church, gay marriage, prejudice, homicides, preventable deaths, poverty, adoption, injustice, refugees, infertility, broken relationships, racism, divorce, miscarriages.
Some of these things impact me indirectly, and many stand directly in front of my face on a daily basis. My mind is full of words expressing what I think about these issues, my heart is weighed down by how these issues make me feel, and my spirit is consumed by what I must do to help resolve them. Yet, it could be fear or wisdom keeping my words inside rather than on this digital page. And though I’ve already written more than 250 words, I feel as though I’ve gotten nowhere. I feel like I’m losing you.
Because the purpose of writing here is not for me, it’s for something greater – a connection made by multiple people on a deep level that comes through identification, sharing a feeling, or learning something new. Perhaps it’s about gaining a new perspective, or seeing a new side of oneself, or of our Creator. I don’t know if words can really express the goal of all this, all I know is that writing makes me feel free, and the thought of someone else connecting with me through what I’ve written, believing that their world becomes brighter through it somehow… makes my heart content.
So here I am, using my words. Hoping that your day becomes better because you stumbled across this page. And I am yet to even share my opinion about any controversial issue or personal struggle.
So, here is something:
This year I have been struggling to connect with God the way that I used to. Part of me feels like I’ve become too familiar with His greatness. I’ve seen so many amazing, supernatural, miraculous things that they no longer surprise me. I’m not in awe by His power or His love. It’s like I expect to be loved by Him even though I’ve done nothing to deserve it.
Yet, I also struggle to feel worthy of His power and love. I get weighed down by my guilt because I feel like I’m not good enough. I wonder if I’ll get to spend eternity with Him because I’m no longer in awe. And worst of all, every single day my full-time job, even if it’s unpaid, is to share the love of God! I’m a missionary who struggles to be amazed by His message.
But I’m still here, going through the motions, believing it will get better. Some days are better than others, and sometimes His love washes over me and brings tears to my eyes. There are moments where I feel Him so closely that I am overwhelmed by how much He loves me and all that He has done for me despite my imperfection.
And in the last 23 weeks, since becoming pregnant, I feel as though I have experienced a glimpse of what He feels toward us. When I think about the tiny human life growing inside of me, I am so overcome with love for her. I can’t explain how much I delight in her, how much joy she brings to my heart. Yet, she has done nothing for me. And then I understand how God can love me even though I have done nothing for Him. I realize how He could delight in me even though I feel like I am failing. I see how He can find joy in me even though I feel like nothing.
And once again, He has captured me. Because He gave everything to show me His love. Before I did anything. Before I loved Him. He loved me selflessly, expecting nothing in return. And instead of guilt consuming my heart, my spirit overflows with gratitude because I know I’m not alone, I’m not a disappointment. I’m just a little child of God, given a new hope through His grace.
And once again, I’m in awe.